At times as an 18-year-old I feel like I know everything, I am on top of this world and I feel like I have the world at my disposal. But at the same time, the better part of me knows that there is so much of this world that I am yet to see, so much of my life that I am yet to experience and the thought of that both excites and frightens me.
When you think about it, the average life span for a woman living in the United Kingdom is about 83 years old. I have only lived 18 of that 83 years which means I have literally only lived about 20% of my life. To me that is absolutely crazy, it has me wondering what I am going to do for the remainder of that time. Obviously, I have plans for my future, go to uni, become a paediatric surgeon, get married, have kids, buy a home, a nice car, travel the world and give my parents and loved ones the world and more – in no particular order. But to me all that seems a bit futile, I mean if I can basically reduce my life to a list of no more than 30 or so words then is it really it.
Or am I happy and satisfied to leave the world now, knowing what I think I know, living how I have lived. Would it be safe to say that I am alright just cutting from all this. Now before anyone takes this the wrong way – no this is not me being suicidal but rather me just being grateful and satisfied with the life I have lived thus far. No, it has not been smooth sailing at all, and I have faced so much trauma and hardship in my life but right now haven’t gone through all of that I have, I am more than ever the happiest I have ever been. I am so satisfied and content with my life. But with saying that, I know that this life is a rollercoaster of ups and downs, and if I am currently at the top, the peak, of one of the turns it means that inevitably I am approaching a dip. I don’t know if I will be able to survive that dip emotionally and mentally. Because I know what it feels like to reach the lowest dip and it was such a struggle coming back up that I don’t know if I can handle it again.
But I know I can.
I know I will.
I know I must.
So what am I really saying here. I am saying, that the future scares the life out of me. I know my future is bright and I am really excited for it. I am also saying that if I drop down dead tomorrow I want you all to know that I have lived a good life, surrounded by good people and had good times. I want you to not cry for my missed opportunities but rather cry for my life lived full of happiness and joy. Cry knowing that heaven just gained a new angel and pray for me.
Afterword: As I had promised when starting SofiaSHenanigans, I am sharing a ‘page from my journal’, which is a snippet of the whirlwind that I call my mind. To anyone that doesn’t know me personally and doesn’t know the frequent internal dialogues I have with myself and the depth they can reach, don’t be alarmed this is just how deep the conversations with myself goes out of me just trying to make sense of this world. The aim of me sharing this is just put my thoughts out on paper and hopefully someone out there can relate to me.
Thank you for reading,