For a very long time I have yo-yo’ed’ between wanting to wear the hijab or not. I go through periods where I’m like yup this is it from this point on it is glued onto my head to a point where I’m just like fxck it skin out fi dem. And to be very honest I don’t even know why, but lately I’ve been thinking a lot about transformation and growth, as well as the idea of being able to evolve and morph into the best you.
I started to evaluate myself and why is it that I am finding it difficult to grow into this new space that I have felt God try and direct me to. And I came up with an idea of what the reason may be.
So I think it’s because I have always questioned my identity as a Black British Muslim woman. I never felt like I was Muslim enough to qualify to wearing the hijab and it’s all mad considering I went to Madrasah ‘Islamic studies’ for roughly 10 years, and I pray my 5 prayers a day (as much as I can), and I fast in the month of Ramadan and give charity and etc. All the things that Muslimah’s do you know.
So why is it that I have questioned this part of me for so long, and I guess it’s mainly because as a Black Muslim Women I am a minority within a minority so for one I don’t see a lot of people out there that look like me and are from where I am from that where the hijab period. And I get a lot of people outside my immediate circle that question me and question my religion or act extremely surprised when I say I’m Muslim and not just by name but by practice also. Although it was not until recently that I have understood this and how it may have contributed to this internal battle I’ve always had within myself on whether or not I should wear it.
This internal battle allowed me to question to what extent do I uphold other people ideals/values of who I am, why is it that for so long I allowed the fact that people questioned my Muslim identity to allow me to question my own identity. It made me aware that I in fact held other people’s beliefs above my own – despite how confident I may be.
Hence, from now on, I am being more proactive and intentional in owning my identity, owning who I am and as I always say just being unapologetically myself and I encourage you to do the same.
Thanks for reading